We are experiencing the same type of “mom, see the squirrel?” “Me(fully present a d engaged with her): yes, I see” and the she goes on with an irritated voice or body language , insisting that I see the squirrel like 10 times I can’t quite put my finger on it. It’s weird. I tied different approaches, answering more casually or more emphatically, nothing seems to help sometimes

I feel there are a couple things going on with him – First, he is just an energetic and talkative 6 yr old, but I think there is also a component of needing validation. He is constantly wanting to show us something, tell us something, just get a response from us. This morning I was sleeping in and he was listening to a Read to Me books for his school work. Pretty much after every fact on the planets the book stated, he would yell it to my wife in the kitchen. “Did you know Saturn has 63 moons? You can fit 43 earths in Neptune…on and on and on and on…” Just as I was writing this he was getting a mint out of candy bag. He said, “Dad, have you smelled in this bag?” I said yes, it smells very minty, but he would not take that as an answer going on to say “No, smell in here,” until I did and said, “yep, it’s a mint smell.” We get this denial type of thing a lot. Dad look outside. Me: Yeah, it’s rainy. Him: No, come look. Me: I’m working, I can’t. Him: 5 constant minutes of dad, dad, dad look outside… Me: Look outside, yep, it’s rainy. Then he’ll find something else to note. You can tell because he’ll pause while he’s thinking of what to say. He just wants to interaction. It has nothing to do with what is outside.

So, I think some of this is my wife and I not being fully present when we are giving him time – though there are times we do – play board games, play Nerf guns, helping when he needs us to read something for his schoolwork, etc., but it’s never enough for him. He talks literally from the moment he wakes up and starts singing to himself until we shoosh him at bedtime as he’s telling stories or asking questions. With only screen time the time he isn’t talking.

Maybe somewhat related, when he hurts himself, it is like the world is ending. We try to do the “Ouch, I hate when I bump my toe. It hurts so much,” but it seems to do nothing for him and he wails on to the point where we are fed up and then invalidate his feelings by telling him to stop it because five minutes of moaning and fussing into a paper cut or a bit tongue is too much. If he really hurts himself like a scraped knee, it can be five minutes of all out SCREAMING with another 10 or 15 minutes of calming down. He won’t let me hold him or try to comfort him, but he will for my wife.

I would just like to refocus his talkative energy into something else other than bombarding us with it. I’ve created a schedule for the day with recess, screen time, school time, etc. He is pretty smart and loves his online learning websites for school and is learning a lot. I’m using that as a default babysitter to have some peace and quiet sometimes, but I don’t want to have him sitting in front of a screen all day even if it is educational. The schedule does help but there is still that constant talking, need to show me something, need for “help” that can’t be explained until I’m in the room.

Thanks for all your info you provide,

I have two daughters, my oldest just turned 4 in March and my youngest is 15 months. Our daily routine has completely changed due to the virus. I have been amazed by how beautifully my 4-year-old has adjusted to these changes. There are certainly things we are all missing but we have had some wonderful family time. Even so, some of the days have been feeling a little longer and more tiring than usual for me lately. It wasn’t until I heard this podcast episode that I realized what it was.

Thanks to you, I adopted the “quiet observor” approach to play with my oldest when she was a young toddler. I realized very quickly that, as long as I can set aside distractions and be totally present, it is like my own little moment of zen. I still remember watching her find a little imperfection on a toy and then watching her investigate it for a full half-hour, running her finger over it again and again. Taking this same approach with our second happened quite naturally. However, without my ever really noticing, over the past few weeks, my 4-year-old has quite artfully drawn me into a more active role during the two or three times each day that I can typically sit and play with just her. She is still the one directing all the play, but it has become a lot of “You can be Skye. Make her say that she’s hungry. Make her say that she’d like some popcorn.” and then I do it! After hearing your example of what you might say, “Yeah, I know sometimes I’ve played that in the past, where I let you tell me to do this or that and I do it, or we do it together, but for now I’m just going to be with you.” I realized what had changed for us and how much more tiring it is.

So today, when I was ready to have that time with her, she gave her first instructions and I said something very similar to your example. She definitely thought it was odd, but she went with it and I got to thoroughly enjoy watching her act out a fairly elaborate animal picnic complete with a fire-breathing dinosaur who turned out to be friendly but misunderstood 🙂 Later today I had another period to spend with her, and again she started to give me instructions so I said something similar about what I planned to do instead. Again, she went with it, although she did ask me a couple of times if I would just make the baby crocodile do one quick thing. Just as we were getting ready for bed she got very upset about my husband not letting her brush her teeth alone. She let so much out during that cry; then she came over to me, took a big breath of relief, and asked me if I’d read her favorite Daniel Tiger book for our goodnight story. I know she might have some more big feelings tomorrow or after that about this change, but I am so excited to be getting my moments of zen back.

Thank you again for your words of wisdom!

Such a wonderful report! Thank you so much, Jenny, you’ve made my day!

Thank you, Terri! I think you’ve actually stated the answer right here: “you advocate for allowing children to have their feelings while also acknowledging that if we don’t set personal boundaries we’ll make it harder for everyone.”

Like all feelings, fear is a feeling that children need to process. And it’s perfectly safe and healthy for them to do that . Lying with her the entire time she sleeps is the way you are lovingly “fixing” that fear. When we fix and accommodate feelings, we give children the message that those feelings are unsafe for them to experience and that they cannot handle them. They need us to protect them from the feeling and to try to make it disappear. Can you see how that becomes an anxiety-enhancing messaging? Here’s a post specifically about bedtime fears that offers a different approach you can take. https://www.janetlansbury.com/2017/03/its-okay-to-be-scared-5-steps-for-easing-bedtime-fears/ But this applies to all fears, and I would expect fear to be an emotion children have at this time. Hope that helps!