Hello from the uk.

I recently stumbled across your website, audiobook and podcast through some recommendations. My partner and I are big fans of yours and the gentle human approach.

I’m a father to a 26month old smart, happy, smiley and lively toddler.

Unfortunately, the the last three weeks have been absolute hell, and my partner and i are running out of ideas on what to do.

Our little guy used to have horrific sleep, up until he was 16/17months, then out of desperation we gave in and did the Ferber method, and he slept 12hrs a night perfectly. Up until a few weeks ago.

Our little one had tonsillitis recently, since then, we’ve given in (because he’s been sick) and started staying with him in the room, but, as soon as we say goodnight, he absolutely loses his rag. 0-100000000 in a split second nuclear meltdown. This includes headbutting the floor, throwing himself into things in his room. Full on band trashing the hotel room kind of vibe. It’s gotten worse every day, and this includes wakes in the night (I’m typing this from outside his room after he woke screaming at midnights, it’s now 1:28am and he’s still not asleep). The other day it took two hours each (nap and bedtime) to get him to sleep, ans last night he woke nearly every hour. Not ideal when I had to be in the office 🙁

We’ve tried a few different courses (how we found yours!), and we’ve been acknowledging his feelings, but it’s like he doesn’t listen, and he is in the midst of the biggest fight or flight meltdown. We prep before, tell him everything, no surprises, give him choices to do stuff. He doesn’t seem to listen, he blows up like a mini atom bomb.

The current strategy is put him down, sit outside for he room, tell him back to bed a few times, till he eventually falls asleep. But he’ll wake multiple times in the night screaming for us. We either have to sleep in the room or sit outside and wait till he falls asleep and hope we get a couple of hours sleep before work or he wakes again. We can’t seem to make this scenario work for any of us, and feeling completely frazzled from the lack of sleep makes it harder and harder each day to make it work.

So out of sheer sleep deprived despair, I’m posting here, hoping for a tip or two to get us out of this rut.

Many thanks 🙂

I am having a similar but slightly different situation with my almost 3 year old. She exhibits stalling behavior. My husband and I realized that it’s better when just one of us puts her down so she can’t play us off each other so we always let her pick who she wants to put her down and then we do her routine. She gives hugs and kisses to the non selected parents and then goes through the norm: Potty, water, Jammies, book, hugs/kisses, goodnight. At first If mom was putting her to bed, right when it ended, she would cry and say she wants dad to give her a hug and kiss. This was clearly a stalling tactic which she is good at. We then set the boundary firmly that after you say goodnight to the non chosen parent, they would not come back to the room. Once we set that, she stopped. Where I am stuck is here newest tactic is to say she needs to go potty again. There are times where I feel she is purposely holding in her poop so she can visit the bathroom for a second times. Other times, she does her business during her routine and claims she needs to go back and then sits on the toilet for 20 minutes without going. I don’t want to tell her she can’t go to the bathroom because I don’t want her to have an accident because we didn’t believe her. At the same time, it is getting extremely frustrating that our 15 minute bedtime routine turns into 45-60 minutes. Any advice?

I’m in a very similar situation and find a baby gate useful. Not the total solution but marks more of a boundary

Hi Laura – Thanks for reaching out. A lot of questions are coming up for me from your description and I unfortunately can’t offer you advice without knowing more about your dynamic and what his entire day is like, etc. Ideally, he will be processing the feelings throughout the day, so there is not such a build-up at nighttime. I’d recommend consulting with Eileen Henry. I believe that she even does a free 15 minute consultation: http://compassionatesleepsolutions.com

This is my situation too. Two 3.5 yo twins. One keeps getting up and walking out. The walk-back isn’t helping. It’s been months. I’m thinking maybe baby gate at the door? Doesn’t seem respectful but I don’t know of another way I can follow through on the boundary. I’ve tried “helpful” physical restraint but it just seems to rev him up more.

@ Krista – I believe Janet did. The mom knew deep down the best thing is to do is set a boundary and walk out of the room instead of staying in there. She just need a bit of guidance from Janet that the resulting screaming was an ok part of the process.

“Parent: That’s helpful. It’s helpful to validate my instinct to walk away. I mean, maybe it is the impetus for the crying, but it’s the impetus that she needs so that she can do it so that she can get over it so she can get back in bed and she can progress with her night.

Janet Lansbury: 100%. You are giving her the gift of a boundary so that she can have the gift of expressing her feelings.”