Heather, your non-sibling playdate anecdote is so interesting to me and here’s why: I have two children, a seven year old boy and a three year old girl. The way you described your child and your (former) friends’ child’s play together sounded as if you were describing the play between my two sibling children about 60% (or more) of the time. I know for sure I’ve charged a bunch of stuff for them and I’m working my butt off to better keep cool, yet your post fascinated me and makes me wonder if there is also something about the chemistry of 7y.o. boy with 3y.o. girl. (That’s too bad your friends got so offended, sorry about that for you.)

Hi Joan – I agree with you. My work is about the beginnings of the relationship and setting children on course to not exhibit the dysregulated, frightening behavior you describe. Those behaviors are about a child’s unsafe feelings and sense of deep loss of the parents’ affection. We can avoid this result by understanding and easing, rather than demonizing the older sibling’s emotionally-driven behavior. For infants, the older child is usually a big draw and source of excitement and they couldn’t care less about a toy being taken from them. They see it as a way to get attention, or even as play. Parents tend to see this through their own lens, which tells them that something “bad” has happened — their older child is being “mean” and so the judgments, rejection and distance begin. All of which are the older child’s worst fear coming true. We truly can head this off at the pass by working at seeing through our children’s eyes.

If it’s relevant, I’m the 3rd of 4 kids, so I have both younger and older siblings.

I find it funny that you suggest that if a baby gets annoyed/ angry that a sibling has snatched something from them, it must be that the parent has caused that by charging the situation with anger. I would think that you of all people who advocate respecting a child, would understand it’s perfectly natural for a baby to feel that way. You yourself are an advocate of not interrupting a baby’s concentration and play. Why is it any different if a sibling does it? Just because I idolise someone doesn’t mean I would appreciate them wrenching something from me with no warning, and I’m pretty sure my baby feels the same. Janet I like a lot of your philosophy but I don’t like your tendency to suggest, when someone says that their child doesn’t behave as you think they should, that that behaviour stems from something the parent did “wrong” so to speak. Maybe all babies don’t react kindly to things being snatched by their siblings, completely based on their own feelings and not because of any “emotional charge” from their parents?

I would love to hear the response to this post Catherine as it almost perfectly describes what is happening in my house at the moment.

Thanks

Children are actually experts at processing their emotions. They don’t need us to provide opportunities, so much as allow the feelings whenever (and however) they show up.

I see Dr Laura’s approach as being about providing regular, convenient opportunities for children to melt down. If we’re limit setting, this should happen as part of our routine lives with our kids anyway, right? I was a bit taken aback by the way she worded it, though.

I sometimes look after my friend’s kids and am not sure what to do about the constant teasing and occasional aggression from a nine year old to his four year old brother. The older siblings have all been bullied at school and although they are thr sweetest kids, I can definitely see the four year old feeling downtrodden and affected by how constantly it is passed on to him. It seems like almost every interaction involves the older brother withholding toys from the younger and enjoying how the younger one cries for them. I also saw them playing cops and robbers and the younger brother ended up pinned to the ground with his hands behind his back.

I tried asking gently asking the older boy to stop, asking how he would feel, etc. as it is bullying and can’t be ignored, while also interacting with him positively and giving a lot of encouragement. It didn’t appear to make a difference. What would you do?

Thanks,
Annelise