Yes, here are a couple of perspectives that I hope will help:https://www.janetlansbury.com/2019/09/when-its-difficult-to-physically-stop-the-behavior/
https://www.janetlansbury.com/2016/07/confident-momentum-how-to-stop-battling-your-toddlers-resistance-and-defiance/

Is there a way to do this when you are physically unable to pick up a 4 year old (such as with lifting restrictions after surgery) but need to set limits for safety and the child is testing/acting impulsively?

Kim, it seems to be more punitive / manipulation instead of respectful parenting. Behaviorist parenting is when we “punish”
for very typical toddler situations such as in your case withholding desserts. A natural consequence for throwing food is mealtime is over (said to them with understanding and kindness not anger and shame). Also conditioning your daughter via praise for being “good” gives a lot of pressure. Your daughter is normal. She is testing limits as all toddlers do and watching for your reactions. Toddlers know you love them when they follow your rules but what about when they don’t? When they throw food? “Do you still love me?” I am guessing she was tired and ready to sleep when she hit you and didn’t want to hear more about how “good” she was for doing what you wanted. Janet is the best at articulating these truths. Good luck.

I would look further into the “why” of your child’s behavior. The point of physically intervening in a safe, confident — not annoyed — manner is that it usually eases the behavior. If this behavior continues, there is more to understand and do to set your child up for success.

Physically intervening every single time is so exhausting, and it negates the possibility of the parent doing, you know, just about anything else that an adult might need to get done during the day. I often feel that I can’t even make a 5-minute necessary phone call (say, a dentist appointment I’ve been needing to schedule) without it being interrupted by the need for me to physically intervene with something that isn’t allowed to happen. I have a very “spirited,” extroverted child that requires almost constant engagement all day long, except for brief and rare moments that are so unpredictable and delicate that I don’t dare even open the washing machine lid (to try and make use of the time) for fear of ruining the moment by alerting her that An Adult Is Trying to Do Something.

I get the truth of it, it’s just so exhausting, and so frustrating, especially when someone else’s child seems to be able to follow an instruction.

I think this is totally 100% normal and healthy. My son, who is just about as perfect as a 3-year-old can be, has done all the same type of stuff. One thing I’ve noticed is that he is really interested in seeing ALL the emotions… Not just our happiness, but also sadness, anger, etc. Sometimes he will simply ask me to act sad or angry, and I’m happy to oblige. Other times (often when I’ve been busy all day and he’s needing more attention than I’ve been able to give), he will choose a behavior that he thinks will elicit a strong emotional reaction from me. I’ve noticed that he does this more with me than with his dad, who is both more actively attentive and more emotionally expressive.

One of my favorite responses is to tell him I can see that he is wanting some attention and if that is what he needs, he can always ask 🙂 Otherwise I try very hard to recognize it for what it is–he is a researcher studying how emotions work and how he can change the variables to get different results. Sometimes he gets the best of me, but not when I keep this in mind. I also find that recognizing this helps me to have a sense of humor about his “naughty” actions, which really seems to be the response that he needs in order to move on most of the time. Not that I tell him it’s ok to do whatever, just that I see what he’s doing and it amuses me–but he still has to stop.

Another example is that she knows we never hit in our family. This is not generally a problem for her. A few days ago at bedtime I was actually praising her for her good behavior that day, telling her she had been a good helper and that I was very happy. She then hit me – not hard, but very deliberately. I asked her what she was doing and she answered “Trying to make a mistake and make you sad.” !!!! This baffled me. I think she is trying to understand what I would do as a reaction but I had no real idea how to handle that. I had to really think about your advice not to take it personally because it really hurt me. Can you offer any advice?