I’m finding the comments from adult daughters about how their parents still – probably unwittingly – upset and annoy them with some comments. My daughters are in their forties (parents of gorgeous children themselves) and I know I unintentionally annoy them sometimes. This is not what I want to do and it’s really helpful to hear about others’ experience in this area. It’s never to late to learn.

I believe as you do! Children learn authentic social skills and manners through our modeling. When we insist that our children say phrases (that they don’t actually mean), we risk modeling a lack of empathy and trust in them. In my opinion, that isn’t a good trade-off. I’ve written a few posts on this topic and I’ll link them here if you’re interested: You’ll Be Sorry and Hi, Bye, and Thank You and also They’ll Grow Into It.

Thanks so much for sharing with me, Kerrie

This post did strike a question in me. While working with children I never really put much emphasis on saying please and thank you, and I never forced a child to greet or say good bye to anyone. I model them, and may offer them to the child (would you like peaches? Yes? Yes please), but I would never force it or withhold something until the child produced the phrase. What are your thoughts on these words and their phrases? I know that they are considered polite in many cultures, and some adults view when children don’t say it as an act of disrespect (which respect is a whole other topic in itself), but forcing a child to say something out of habit (just like forcing an apology) can make the term empty and meaningless for the child.

KansyK, sounds like you are being diligent and I can promise you that your efforts will pay off!

Regarding teenagers, I honestly don’t think it’s about being influenced by their peers as much as it is the need to reject parents (especially the same-sex parent) and all they stand for. That is the way many, if not most children make the transition to adulthood. If children don’t feel safe or comfortable exhibiting this behavior for whatever reason, there are often problems down the road. Feelings of shame are internalized, etc.

You’re so welcome, Tara! You know, one side of me feels like suggesting “rise above it” is unfair — asking parents to be superhuman. But being the bigger person in these situations really is just a question of mind over matter. We can do this. And when we do, we teach our children wonderful lessons about love, bring peace, feel uplifted, successful and capable. It’s worth it!

My pleasure, Anna!

Beautiful truth. Thank you!

“When you adore someone you take every opportunity to let go of pettiness, take the fall, make amends and assure them you accept and understand their feelings.”