Comments on: Why is My Child Behaving This Way? (A Checklist)

By: Michaela

Michaela — Wed, 12 Jan 2022 12:16:10 +0000

In reply to Corinne. Hi Corrine, I'm not sure how long ago you wrote this, but I just read it and you are describing me and my 3½ year old to a tee! The constant boundary pushing and intensity (on top of pandemic burnout) have left me ruffled, serious and reactive almost all of the time. Just wondering if you could tell me how things are now? Did anything help to improve things?

By: Sharon Bale

Sharon Bale — Mon, 01 Nov 2021 10:01:26 +0000

In reply to Kathleen. We found a trip to the dentist just for a check up really helpful

By: Sharon Bale

Sharon Bale — Mon, 01 Nov 2021 10:00:12 +0000

In reply to Jenn.

Dear Janet, I am hoping you can lend some advice. I (like many families these days have my adult daughter and 3yo grandson living with me since his birth. I love my daughter dearly but am having difficulty with her parenting style.
She is very much a helicopter parent who’s first instinct is to say no and second is to tell, followed closely by time out.
I myself have always tried to follow the Montessori approach but my husband was quite an anxious parent as well. My problem is that my grandson has become very defiant and stresses everyone out and plays one against the other. I do try to suggest some you tube and online parenting resources to learn about different active styles of parenting however I am now finding it difficult to stay in my lane so to speak. Any suggestions would be appreciated, Sharon

By: Bethany Castellanos

Bethany Castellanos — Fri, 29 Oct 2021 03:15:49 +0000

In reply to janet.

As I read this checklist, I answered “no” to many of these questions.
What if I don’t have a 100% “yes” space for my toddler? What if I don’t know what to do (respectfully) in response to my child’s behavior…and that’s why I eventually get annoyed or angry? I work hard at being gentle, but find myself often feeling helpless because if I don’t punish my child/ren, it isn’t likely they will cooperate most of the time-especially if its something they don’t want to do in the first place.

By: Allison S

Allison S — Wed, 23 Jun 2021 19:50:16 +0000

Thank you for the great post! I’m making my way through “No Bad Kids” but recently have a tough time with our 19 month old son. Due to my having a heavier work schedule the past 4 months, we’re dealing with some heartbreaking (for me!) parental preference. When our son is upset or frustrated and I try to talk with or comfort him, he tries to hit me and look to his dad. In this situation my saying “I won’t let you hit me” just seems to make him more upset and he doubles down on looking for dad. I’m getting more work balance now thank goodness but am at a loss on how to effectively help him work through the frustrations without “giving in” to the parental preference issue.

By: Anick

Anick — Mon, 08 Mar 2021 04:50:05 +0000

Hi
My potty trained and independent toileting 2,5 LO has transitioned to pre-school class last week and a few days pre transition started to soil himself during the day and at night (both urine and feces). He seems completely indifferent about it and doesn’t want to partake in the clean-up. Obviously this transition is huge for him and I feel so powerless as we can not currently even enter the daycare’s entrance and the dynamic is quite chaotic with educators and such (thank you COVID).
I try to talk about it showing him compassion and also allowing him to express his anxiety with the transition. I still hold firm about pee and poo not acceptable anywhere else than in toilet. Nothing has improved over last week.
So, today after nap I stated we were going to the toilet. Toddler insisted on reading a book. I responded by letting him know I needed him to give the toilet a « try » first. When he resisted I offered him a chance to find a solution. Nothing. So I proposed bringing the book to read on the toilet: further resistance. So, I lead him to toilet while stating we would get to read as fast as possible. Then ensued full blown tears and since he wanted to leave the room, I closed the door and blocked it saying I’d wait for him to give the toilet a try (I stayed in there with him ). Tantrum continued with stubborn attempts to open the door. After a while with no calming down he soiled himself. Obviously that stopped the entire situation but left me feeling that perhaps I had created a power struggle that was uneeded.
Was it? As the adult I know I am right in knowing there was an incoming pee and I could help him avoid a soiling scenario by steering him to the toilet. However, should I trust that he would know to do that (like in the past) and not push it?
Tantrums are new events as you can probably tell and I want to make sure I set reasonable boundaries while still respecting and showing my trust in my child.
I really don’t enjoy having to « physically » enforce things like picking him up to get him to move out the door to go to daycare or block a door that he keeps trying to open and screaming about it. I typically give a 2 choice option (toilet and read after versus toilet and read while on potty) but that doesn’t seem to work as well lately.

Thanks!!

By: Claudia Stuart

Claudia Stuart — Tue, 15 Sep 2020 21:59:33 +0000

Hi Janet,
We have an almost 4-year old, and a 17-month old.
Our oldest son drastically changed with the arrival of his brother, but eventually his behavior got a bit better. He started pre-school last year with the purpose of socializing, getting structure into his day, giving us time to be with the baby, and mostly so that he could learn how to share. School stopped for a couple of months due to COVID, and just recently started again the new school year now in pre-K.
We have been struggling with his behavior at home: not listening, not following instructions, wanting to do only what he wants, pushing boundaries, etc, but now he is starting to misbehave at school too.
We have tried talking, taking his toys away, time outs, punishment … we have tried everything we know of, and he is simple not faced by anything.
We are on the waitlist for an appointment with a family counselor, but as you probably know yourself, they are in high demand right now.
We often question ourselves: are we expecting too much from our son? Is this what a normal 4-year old supposed to do?
Do you have any advise for this type of situations?
Many thanks in advance,
Claudia

By: vanessa tobias

vanessa tobias — Tue, 07 Jul 2020 23:54:06 +0000

I have a 3 year old and an 11 month old. We have had the same problem since my youngest was born. My toddler would have melt downs which I used to spend a great deal of time waiting it out next to him should he need a hug, want to talk, or was done running through his emotions.since my 2nd I am having trouble spending that time sitting there since my littlest needs diaper changes, feedings (which we have been breastfeeding exclusively though now I offer other snacks if I have them close), etc. I have a hard time forcing my littlest to sit there and hear screaming when he needs my attention too. I try to have him independent play, but he too gets weary with the prolonged tantrums. Should I be sitting there alongside my toddler the whole time or is it okay to walk away to tend to my other child? I feel like I am neglecting his emotions when I leave, but I also feel like I am neglecting my youngest who is trying to learn to walk. I am torn. Any advice?

By: Tanya Van Kirk

Tanya Van Kirk — Thu, 27 Feb 2020 11:34:39 +0000

Hi.
I have three yr old BBG triplets. Besides that I have a husband who is a teller so our parenting is inconsistent and I can’t control that. I say that because that might be the main nail in the coffin, if you can’t be consistent the “what to do” might not be effective and I get that.
All three have spd and one is suspected ASD. The one that might have asd has a lot of irrational fears such as light moving, shadow changing, texture too soft ect.. and it’s always the worst at bedtime even though it does happen when awake or it’s bright out as well. How do I acknowledge those feelings or fears without validating them. If I do validate them, “yes, that is a shadow and I can see why you think the green light is scary” than we hyper focus on that and repeat it 10-20times.. each of those times having me repeat it back .

Secondly, the other boy is sensory avoidant and has a lot of fear over trying things or change. I know a lot of these “no don’t take this road home, take that one” “even though we take many roads (I try not to make things like that exactly the same and detour on purpose) I know a lot of these have intense anxiety behind them. I don’t want to increase that. An example for the above is “I know your upset mommy didn’t drive home the same way but this road has tractors we can see” the next response is always a “no, I don’t want and whatever I said the reason we did something” until it’s meltdown.
Lastly, Savannah’s will is very strong and it’s all “I do it myself” which I allow a lot of.. if I am trying to do something girly with her and paint her nails she will say “I do it myself” I will ask acknowledge her need to and say “I know you want to paint your own nails but I have to show you first than you can” she will just repeat and than grab the nail polish out of my hand before I have had a chance to model painting nails on my hand. I will say “before you take something away ask to see if it’s ok” and she will ask and I will say “not right now, it is my turn to paint mommy’s nails” Than she will wither dump the bottle or I will snatch it back because I think she is going to dump it.. and she will meltdown. I will tell her I understand she wants to blah but it’s my turn “ and someone else will break something be into something or fighting and I will just tell her I am moving her body to a safe place to kick and scream and walk away.. sorry for the grammar, I keep falling asleep and mr thoughts are not cohesive. I sleep maybe 3 hrs a night with all the up and downs and sometimes can not manage a sentence. I don’t know if this is the right platform fir all these questions even in hindsight I should have probably sent an email. Hopefully the response will help someone else who feels like they are drowning above water if not, feel free to delete this completely.

By: Laura Yallop

Laura Yallop — Fri, 08 Nov 2019 21:19:50 +0000

Hi Janet,
I am wondering if you can help me? I have a 4 year old who has just finished his first term at school. His behaviour at home has been escalating for a while me and my husband have been struggling a little with the best approach it’s progressively got worst. Our main issue is him waking grumpy, tantrums while getting dressed and resisting having his wash, doing teeth in the morning. I am trying different approaches at the moment but nothing seems to be working he complains of his clothes tickling and completely loses it with socks not being on right ~we have tried different techniques to help. He is now talking to us badly at home and seems to be gaining more control than he should. The teacher at school assures me he is fine while there. Yet when I speak to him he says I cant be a good boy at home, I think he finds it tough doing it at school and needs to let it out. My husband wants to take a different approach as do I by being respectful to him. I don’t want to be too hard on him I am conscious of the demand for him to do well at school and the lifestyle change with actually starting school. Can you share any tips for how to listen to his feelings but also share clear boundaries around our morning routine?!
Thank you in advance
Laura