Comments on: Can We Be Angry or Sad and Still Unruffled?

By: Daniella

Daniella — Thu, 31 Aug 2023 08:39:00 +0000

This was so helpful! Lately I’ve been feeling like I have no control, and I’m getting angry with my 3 year old more than I care to admit. I always apologize when I get angry. I also let him know even though I was angry, I shouldn’t have yelled like that and tell him that is something I am going to work on. Is that over-explaining? It just makes me feel sick to my stomach thinking that he was scared of me in those moments. 🙁 I hope I am not ruining everything I worked so hard to build. I’ve tried so hard to use your approach over the years, and most of the time I react the way you would advise. But sometimes I just “flip my lid.” 🙁 It is reassuring to know I don’t need to act stoic all the time…Even though this is something I really need to work on. I need to do better. Thank you for all your resources!

By: Lilly

Lilly — Wed, 15 Sep 2021 21:19:44 +0000

In reply to janet. Thank you, Janet. That is very helpful. We are documenting some of the major behaviors and keeping track of when they happen in order to see if there is a correlation/time of day that we can alter what we're doing to support him so that these behaviors are minimized. It has gotten to a point where other children are mimicking the behaviors that seem like this child is feeling overwhelmed or overstimulated... which makes it even more challenging because then he gets enjoyment out of watching them do the same things.

By: janet

janet — Wed, 01 Sep 2021 18:58:38 +0000

In reply to MH Walker. I appreciate you taking the time to share with me! You've made my week! Thank you x Janet

By: MH Walker

MH Walker — Wed, 01 Sep 2021 13:53:42 +0000

I use this podcast series constantly to recenter myself in my parenting approach after absorbing your books. Both have been amazing resources and guiding lights in learning to be a respectful parent. This episode really brought to my attention a big misunderstanding that I have been struggling with as well. Being a middle (diplomat) child from a family where big emotions were not welcome, suppressing my own feelings is not unfamiliar. My in tune and wise 4 year old always seems to sense it and even asks me about it. I have found myself denying my feelings to her when we talk about it to protect her feelings, which has not felt right. I have ongoing work to do with both myself and my children around healthy expression of emotions, but I wanted to let you know how thankful I am for this ongoing conversation about being Respectful Parents. Thank you for all that you do!

By: janet

janet — Sun, 22 Aug 2021 20:39:58 +0000

In reply to Cecilia. My pleasure, Cecilia, and I really appreciate your feedback about "curious." It helps me to hear what helps! x Janet

By: Cecilia

Cecilia — Sun, 22 Aug 2021 20:12:52 +0000

Hi Janet, that was so interesting, thank you. I think the word that really clicked for me was “curious”. That word really allowed me to frame ans visualize the mindset that would be the most helpful. Great. Thanks again

By: janet

janet — Sun, 22 Aug 2021 17:17:41 +0000

In reply to Lilly.

My pleasure, Lily! So glad it’s helpful. My suggestion to ask a child about wanting to throw is intended to give them a “I see you and I’m curious and I don’t judge you” message. I would not expect a child to be able to actually explain. No more than I could explain why I went for the chocolate bar :). Often this openness and acceptance on our part, while we’ve made it clear we can’t allow that, helps children to feel safer. They feel “seen” and, if not understood, at least they get the message that we are open to understanding. So my verbalizations are intended to reflect a helpful attitude.

If I were you, I would stop with the 100 reminders and focus more on showing your openness to understanding him, and that you are there to help, rather than keep correcting. I would also try to notice if there is a connection between the throwing and hunger, tiredness, noise level, difficulty connecting with peers, so that you can help him with those possible needs and also be more ready to help block this behavior at those times, maybe even having him stick by you, holding his hand while you prepare snack or the activity or whatever you are doing. His throwing is showing you that he needs some help with his impulse, not more reminders that he shouldn’t be having it. When you and your team see it this way, that perception alone will help him feel more supported and less likely to throw. Hope this makes sense! Wish I could be there with him to demonstrate, it would be so much easier than trying to explain in words. 🙂

By: janet

janet — Sun, 22 Aug 2021 17:01:14 +0000

In reply to Martina. I love hearing this, Martina. What a gift to see behavior for what it is, right? And from there we can handle it in a helpful manner. Well done!

By: Lilly

Lilly — Sun, 22 Aug 2021 13:41:58 +0000

This was very helpful for me as an early childhood educator. I experience occurrences like these on a daily basis while caring for 9 kids in the classroom. However, I would like to know more about the part where you suggested asking the child about wanting to throw. Will the child be able to explain why she is needing to throw in that moment? I’m curious because I could see how if a child is upset, this could be a chance to help them identify their emotions. However in my classroom we have a child who throws things all the time, and the child is never angry. This child knows (because we remind them about 100 times a day) that throwing (rocks, blocks, and other hard objects) will either hurt someone or break something. So the child seems to be caught in a loop of throwing in order to get our attention. What is the best way to respond to this behavior? I do think the child is dysregulated and acting on impulse as you said, but also knowingly “pushing our buttons” as teachers. It is so challenging to be trying to help other children and be there for them when this kind of thing is happening. Do you have any suggestions for this?

Thank you!

By: Martina

Martina — Sun, 22 Aug 2021 08:49:44 +0000

Hi.
Reading this just made me realize how far I have come. Yesterday we had family over. Grandparents and my husband‘s brother and his toddler and baby.
And my 5yo had a tantrum. She is usually the sweetest, most cheerful girl, but she just had this tantrum. I might have wished it was not with everybody there but nothing I could do about it… so I just asked everybody to please stop cheering her up, told them it was fine, and went a bit to the side with her. She stormed and yelled a bit, that‘s what I am here for, to take it. Then she wanted to sit a bit alone, I went to check on her a few times, then she snuggled on grandma‘s lap for story and was super affectionate the rest of the evening.
There was s time when this tantrum would have bothered me terribly and the „spectators“ would completely have pushed me over the edge. I realize it only now on reading.
The really good thing that happened is that the other family apparently said to my husband something like „oh good, then our son is ok after all“. I know I have told them big feelings are ok for kids, but they never quite „bought“ it. They see my kids, usually sweet and cheerful and eager to play with their little cousins and think children should be like this all the time- so though I was not too happy to have them watch it might have done some good and normalized children’s tantrums for them.