Thank you so much, Emma. Your kind words and gracious support mean a lot to me!

On the validation thing I find it so frustrating when people say it doesn’t work after (to all appearances) treating it as a simple script. The way I see it the reason acknowledging feelings “works” (I don’t think it “works” all the time I think it depends on the *reason* the kid is upset, I just think that reason is one that’s helped by acknowledging a lot more often than we as parents might realize. But “more often” doesn’t mean “always”) isn’t through saying any specific thing to the child, it’s through the child *thinking that we fully understand their feelings and point of view in that moment*. And it makes perfect sense to me that this would help – isn’t that something that can also frustrate us as adults, when we feel that a decision is being made by people who are ignoring some concern we have? In that situation it’s not always about being upset about the decision per se, it’s a worry that it’s not being made with full information and that there’s a *chance* it could be different if they knew our point of view. And just being reassured that it *was* taken into account can help even if the final decision doesn’t change because it puts that nagging possibility to rest.

And while a script can help with communicating to our child that we understand them I don’t think you can really substitute for *actually understanding the child*. And that’s where I think you can have failure modes, if you’ve misinterpreted what the child wants or if you’re saying the right things but the child can tell your mind is elsewhere. I’ve had both things happen. For example I’d tell my kid “oh you don’t want to go in the car, I get that” and that didn’t help, but he did calm down after I thought a bit more about what else he might be feeling and said “or maybe you’re OK going in the car but you wanted to run a bit outside before? I’m afraid we don’t have time for that either”. The outcome was the same either way it really seemed to me that I had understood him correctly that second time and that’s what calmed him. Alternatively I had time I’d be going “you don’t want X” on total autopilot to absolutely no success until it occurred to me he might realize and not be satisfied with autopilot, and I’d pull myself together, refocus, put myself in his shoes and then again say “Okay, so… you don’t want X, I see that” and that would calm him. Again as if this had been exactly the issue, that he wanted me to engage and could tell when I wasn’t doing so.

Thing is, from that point of view you don’t even *need* to understand the kid every time, I think the kid just needs to think you made a good faith effort to engage. I’ve had other times where I couldn’t figure out what was going on, or really couldn’t focus on them in that time, and saying “OK I see there’s a problem and sorry I don’t know what it is but we’ll have to make do because I don’t have time to figure it out right now” or “I guess you don’t like that I’m replying automatically but I need to focus on this other thing right now” also sometimes worked. Well, the first at least I’m not sure I’ve ever had the second *actually* work without enforcing the boundary in some other way.

I think that might be some of the most valuable advice or script I feel I’ve gotten from your writings – the notion of keeping the verbal “I understand you” message to the absolute most conservative thing possible that you *can* be pretty sure is true instead of more “natural” sentences that make a lot more assumptions about what’s actually going on that could be incorrect. Like for example “I took the ice cream and now you feel like screaming” (which makes some assumptions in the events you choose to highlight but it still a pretty simple description of events that’s open-ended in terms of the child’s feelings or motives or wants) instead of “you’re angry because I took the ice cream”. I also like how you emphasize making the effort to try and understand the child’s point of view. I wonder how easy that really is to do though. Like, I feel I’m very good at doing this with my child but I also think that’s very informed by reading books like The Whole-Brained Child and The Philosophical Baby and my own issues being maybe half-toddler myself. I don’t know if it’s that easy to do for people who don’t have that background or have very different ideas on how children think or are inside.

I want to thank you for being so open about this. I was raised in a home that in no way used the type of respectful parenting you promote (abusive) and now that I am raising two young daughters (4yo and 23months) my primary goal is to raise my girls as respectfully and gently as I can. I feel this parent’s need for ‘permission’ to be “gentle-ish” or “respectful-ish”, especially considering the societal pressure to be this perfect parent who is always unruffled and who meets their child’s needs while maintaining boundaries, etc.

It is so hard to be that perfect parent who is always respectful and meets our kids perfectly where they need us to be, and when I do loose my temper/patience/yell/don’t parent “respectfully”, there is a lot of guilt that I am a bad parent or somehow becoming my emotionally abusive parents. It’s even hard to talk to other parents because of this pressure to be a respectful parent and it can definitely feel impossible and crushing, especially when you don’t do it perfectly. It has taken a lot of therapy to get to a point where I give myself the forgiveness and grace I need to accept that I don’t have to be perfect. To accept that I will have moments that I won’t be that perfectly respectful parent that I want to be to my girls and that it’s okay to be human and make mistakes, but that it is worth it to keep trying as all of my successes will help make my mistakes less harmful to my girls.

I go to your podcast regularly to re-focus me and keep me inspired to stay on the respectful parenting track and not give up hope. It might sound silly, but thank you for the permission to be respectful-ish and unruffled-ish, because you ARE a voice of authority in this realm and an amazing resource for imperfect parents who are just doing their best.

“Social media portrays gentle parenting as this thing where if your child has any kind of tantrums or behavior, it’s an unmet need that is your fault for not meeting and that puts unrealistic pressure on mothers and fathers.”

What I’m hearing from you is: If your child has any kind of tantrums or behavior, this is a common way for children to express themselves. It’s not their fault, its not your fault. Together you can find your way forward, take courage!

Thanks for that message!