Personally, I completely agree with the sentiment “spanking never” and at the same time I can see why you might feel it necessary. For example if a toddler runs out the house without permission, obviously the natural consequence of being run over by a car would be unacceptable. If you sit down with your child and gently alert them to the danger and ask them not to do it again, you may fear your words aren’t enough. In this case you might think “if I spank them they’ll remember – they won’t want that to happen again so they won’t run out again.” Personally I don’t think a toddler can understand that. I think spanking will damage your bond with your child without eliciting the result you desire. Instead I prefer to rewind to the moment things actually went wrong – invariably there’s something I could have done to prevent it. In this case, the best way to stop a toddler running out the house again is to make sure I keep the front door closed and if necessary locked in future. My point is, rather than spanking, or any other kind of consequence, the first port of call can always be to ask ourselves as parents if we could have prevented the behaviour happening in the first place, and if so we can actively avoid the same thing happening again

I don’t think a toddler’s capable of equating throwing food with being naughty, and they certainly aren’t doing it to deliberately wind us up. In my little one’s case, I think it’s more an experiment to see what will happen (does it make a noise hitting the floor etc), mixed with a way to get rid of food she doesn’t want to eat. My current strategy is to ignore the fallen food (not wanting the outcome of the experiment to be “mama makes a funny face and gives me lots of attention”), and instead I remind her that if she doesn’t want something on her plate she can put it on my plate. It’s not perfect, but she’s just turned two and often does give food to me now rather than dropping it on the floor. I agree with you on natural consequences not always being right – you can’t take food from a child when they need to eat. At the moment I’m often struggling to get her dressed in the morning – not going out isn’t a natural consequence she’d understand at this age imo, and it’s also likely she’d prefer not to go out at that moment – it’s me who gets the consequence of a toddler with cabin fever later in the day, much like it’s us who’d get the consequence of a hungry toddler if we took their food away. I enjoyed and agree with much of the article, and maybe the natural consequences will resonate more when she’s older – I just think maybe she’s too young at the moment.

Heather, 16 month old is a baby, you sit with them, talk and explain gently and most importantly don’t take it personally and just carry on.
Treat them with love, respect and leave your ego to the times when you were child free. One of the biggest enemies in building a beautiful relationship with our child and bringing confident but loving child, are our own egos.
Love and only love can grow love

They don’t need to do itvwhen a child is older because the child learned at an early age.

Jeff,
I totally agree! An occasionally smack does not constitute bullying or abuse.
What it does is reinforce a consequence for constant bad behaviour.
We have so many children out of control these days because of lack of productive discipline.
I was spanked, as were many others and it taught me to behave appropriately: the threat of a spanking was enough then to make me ‘tow the line’.
The lady talks about boundaries and consequences. What if her methods are failing which, in a lot of cases, they are?
Yes, try her tactics but, if they are not working, a quick, sharp smack can do the trick.
Sometimes, they take a minority result and you will always get the ones who will shout up whereas, those who accepted their punishment, don’t bother. So, in my opinion, maybe the results are inaccurate.
No discipline in schools allowed and look how these so called methods have failed:many children having no respect for their teachers because they have got away with bad behaviour for so long. It was never ‘nipped in the bud’ effectively.
Look what our police force and NHS have to put up with: constant taunting and abuse by criminals, even violence and I’d like to bet these criminals were the start of this new regime and never spanked.
What is our country coming to????

All of the things you mentioned that make you a successful parent are compatible with, and indeed encouraged by, respectful parenting: consistency, boundaries, natural consequences, affection, calm adults who are in charge of their emotions.

Janet Lansbury and other modern parenting coaches are all for those things too, if you read their work a bit more closely.

And none of these things require spanking, punitive timeouts, excessive lecturing, or other punishment beyond natural consequences.

I think sometimes people read a little bit about gentle/respectful parenting, and they have the reaction that it sounds like you did: that it’s a bunch of softy nonsense. But I think what critics are often missing is that these parenting coaches ARE emphasizing the factors that you value as well, like consistency and boundaries; however, they go further by explaining what happens *when those factors are not present.* They point out that when kids don’t have consistency, boundaries, affection, a calm house, etc. — and/or when going through a big life/developmental change — they *will* often act out. And therefore it’s not appropriate for parents to react emotionally and with punishments like spanking, not only because they believe it’s harmful to the child, but also because the problem here is *not* that the kids are acting out — kids act out when their needs aren’t being met, and/or when life is changing and overwhelming — and it’s totally expected and somewhat predictable. The *problem* — if there is one — sometimes so-called bad behavior is just testing boundaries/boredom/curiosity and passes as a phase — is that the parents didn’t set up the kids for success in the first place, by not having all of things that you also value: consistency, routines, boundaries, affection, control of their own emotions, etc.

To me, respectful parenting is about having developmentally appropriate expectations for kids’ behavior, and recognizing how much agency we as parents actually have in setting our kids up for success, rather than just needing to be reactors and punishers.

Rhythm, rhythm, rhythm. A child acting out like this doesn’t feel safe and secure. Rhythm is the answer. Their schedule needs to be consistent- prepare food and eat at the same exact times every day, nap and bedtime at the same time everyday, playtime, walk time, bath time, all of it at the same predictable time every day. Also, doing a weekly activity on the same day each week – like the old poem. These rhythms CALM children. These rhythms help them feel secure in their day. Steady, consistent rhythm in their daily activities is the first answer to any “discipline” question. An occasional necessary change to the rhythm can be taken in stride by most children, especially when all the other rhythmic activities of their day are in place.
But if your child is acting out, they’re too stressed by the unpredictability of their day. Some children can handle less rhythm, but most children cannot.
When your child acts out, look at your daily rhythms first. You will be amazed at what a difference it makes.